I spend my days advocating for maternal mental health now, but I did not always feel the way I do now.

A year ago I came to the realization that had I not gotten Postpartum Anxiety & Depression after the birth of my daughter eight years ago; I probably would have been a perpetrator of stigma around this disorder.

There was a conversation online where someone posted "Who has time for postpartum depression?". The online community went nuts attacking this mom, and at that moment I realized that could have been me. I completely understood where she was coming from.

I find mothering joyful; I love being out and about with my kids. I find they are compatible with my personality and for the most part easy to manage. I've have a lot of patience, and my kids are well behaved; we can take them anywhere. I find it easy to travel with them whether it's a 21-day trip road trip or on flights. They eat well and they sleep well. Because of all the reasons listed above, parenting is relatively easy for me. If not for the experience that I had, It would have been hard for me to understand how someone could become depressed after the birth of a baby that they wanted.

Before my experience, I thought postpartum depression was something people had just because they read it somewhere. If they didn't know they could have it, they wouldn't have gotten it.Being Jamaican, where mental health is something that is hidden and not talked about much in our culture, I believed that Postpartum Depression only happened to wealthy white women who were bored with their lives and didn’t appreciate what they had.

There were many myths I heard about Post-Partum Depression (PPD) before having my daughter. The two that stuck in my mind the most was that PPD meant you did not love your baby, and Black women did not get PPD. While I was pregnant, I read about Postpartum Depression, but I just glanced it over. I'm Black; I'm strong. It won't happen to me. Moreover, I have everything I’ve ever wanted, and I have a lot of things planned for my year of vacation. Who has time for Post-Partum Depression?

When my daughter was born, I loved her with a passion. I fell in love with her right away, and I wanted to protect her from everything. I worried that something might happen to her, and I started becoming anxious about something bad happening to her. So you can imagine how shocked and confused I was to hear the words “I think you have postpartum depression.” How could I have PPD if I love my baby?

The thing was, though, I loved my baby so much I was scared I to going to lose her somehow. I loved my baby so much I spent a whole day on the first floor of my house because I had an irrational fear that I would fall the stairs with her. I loved my baby so much; I was worried I would die and wouldn’t be around to protect her. I loved my baby so much I feared almost everything; a fear that I did not know existed was born within me.  Here was the baby my heart had wished for, and all I wanted to do was to love her and protect her from ever being hurt. And then, that thought: what if something happened to her?

Fear coupled with that fierce love I had for my daughter would be the beginning of something that pulled me deep into a very dark and lonely place that I had to fight with all my might to climb out of. There are days like today when I remember those days and I am just filled with gratitude and joy that I took that very first step in asking for help. And I didn't allow stigma to stop me from reaching out for help.

I remind myself, and everyone who will listen that the most important thing to understand is that PPD does not discriminate, your race or socio-economic status does not matter. And it does not mean that you do not love your baby. Like other disorders, there is a spectrum. Now I spend my days trying to prevent other mothers from experiencing what I went through, breaking down stigma towards postpartum depression, and helping others reach out for help.

When I see someone perpetuating stigma towards mothers who reach out for help, I remind myself that that person could have been me. They are not trying to mean; they simply don't understand. And I take the time to educate them on the disorder instead of telling them how wrong they are. Unless  you or someone you know experienced Post-Partum Depression, it is hard to understand how a mom can be sad and depressed after the birth of a baby. Education and awareness around the symptoms and risk factors for postpartum depression makes a big difference in a new mom knowing she is not alone, and it's OK to reach out for help.

To learn more about Postpartum Depression and coping strategies we have a list of resources at Postpartum Depression Resources

This summer we had the pleasure of staying at The Fern Resort in Orilla. This was my family’s first time at a resort style place. At first, I was not sure if my kids would enjoy it as they like doing things with us. This stay was both a little business and a little pleasure.

The place and location is beautiful.  

Our room was very spacious for our family of five we had a little hallway that lead to the whole space. Bathroom to the left, our bedroom to the right with two beds and straight ahead was the living area with two pull out sofa beds, a TV, and a fireplace. The pull out sofas came in good use when the kids invited my co-workers kids for a sleepover. The view from our room was beautiful.

We loved the fact that this resort was very family oriented. They catered to the kids with a kids menu and food options. One of our favourite and luxury item as parents was the early meal time for the kids and child care that allowed hubby and I to enjoy a nice meal and wine alone.  Yes! Alone! No kids talking, whining, bothering their sibling or complaining about the food. We enjoyed the peace and quiet which is very rare with three kids.  We were assigned a table for our family for the duration of our stay which the kids thought was cool.

The resort offered day time programs for kids so we tried it out for the first day and they all LOVED IT! They were so excited when we went to pick them up at the end of the day. They told us all the things they did and asked if they can go back again the next day. They had family entertainment every evening which were both fun for the kids and entertaining for the parents.

They have other activities around the resort that you can enjoy. My kids enjoyed fishing, kayaking, zip lining and the games room where they played the old fashion Pac Man games and pretending to play pool.

We were there at the beginning of summer and not a week goes by when the kids ask if we can go back next summer. That in itself is a great testimonial that this resort is awesome!

About the author:

Bhavishree is an Executive Assistant with Life With A Baby. A Mom of three, she loves crafting and cooking with them. Bhavishree is a Virtual Executive Assistant; you can connect with her by visiting her website at www.timesolutionva.com. 

A few years ago, during counselling for Postpartum Depression, I mentioned that I was unhappy in my marriage.  The counselor's response is that "Happiness is over-rated". I was a bit throw off by this. Happiness is supposed to be a very important role in our lives, and we strive to be happy. 

She went on to explain that happiness in marriage is over-rated because it is so subjective. What matters she said, is the vision we have for our family, our goals, the way we treat each other, whether we have fun together, whether we enjoy each other company, whether we cooperate and can work well as a team.

Happiness in marriage is subjective because it depends on our mood, and many other outside influences, sleep, food, work, perspective. One moment we can be deliriously happy and the other moment depressed. Also, depending on our childhood and how we grew up we can put a lot of expectation on our partner to "make us happy". And that is not fair because happiness is a state of mind and it is up to each of us to make ourselves happy.

One tip that stuck with me is what how we rate our happiness and what it depends on. The counselor mentioned that we should never compare our marriage to those of our friends who do not have kids. Marriage satisfaction in couples with children is always lower than those of our child-free counterparts during the first five years.

We wrote a vision statement for our marriage based on the goals we had for our marriage.

Our vision statement is:

 Our marriage is respectful, understanding, and compassionate. It is a safe place for our children, and each other. Our marriage is longstanding and will survive the storms that come our way.

Do you have a vision statement for your marriage? What would it be? 

We arrived around 4 pm to friendly staff who promptly found our reservation and gave us the key and directions to our accommodations, which made checking in with a 1 year old a breeze. Our room was located in the Hearthside Inn. The room was basic and not renovated like some of the other rooms, but it was clean and had everything we needed. They also had a crib set up for us in the room. The view the lake of from the balcony was beautiful.

First stop – the pool! The pool area was great. There were multiple pools with tons of seating. Some chairs were in the sun and some were shaded so you could choose what you preferred. The water was warm and there were enough pools so it never felt overly crowded and I didn’t have to worry about other kids doing a cannon ball on top of my daughter.

Meals: At dinner time we were shown to our table. We were assigned the same table for the rest of our stay which made it simple for the following meals. They also had a kid’s buffet that opened 30 min earlier than the sit down dinner which gives the option of feeding your child first and then sending them to the free baby sitting at the play village while you enjoy dinner with adults only. We opted to eat with our daughter for all meals, but it was still great to be able to get her food from the buffet as soon as we got there rather than waiting to order from the menu. The food was pretty good. They had a pretty big selection from the menu and everything that we got tasted pretty good. Nothing was outstanding, but definitely fresh, and the portions were big.

Conference room: We were at the resort for a volunteer appreciation weekend and training so I spent most of Saturday in the conference room. The conference room was located in the basement of the Hearthside Inn. Unlike the rooms, it was newly renovated and was fully equipped with coffee/tea, water and an assortment of pops and juices. There was a large screen for a projector as well as a large white board. The chairs were very comfortable and I thought it was a great place to hold a weekend conference where you get to bring your families.

Activities: While I was in the conference room my husband was on daddy duty. He contemplated bringing my daughter to the free baby sitting service, and enjoy the pool and other water activities on his own, but since the weather wasn’t that great he kept her with him. They enjoyed some time in the indoor pool and walked around the grounds to watch all the other activities going on. There was definitely no shortage of things to do. Unfortunately having a one year old limited my husband to a lot that he could do, but for slightly older kids there is no risk at all for anyone to get bored. After dinner that night and before heading to the nightly entertainment my husband and I got in a round of mini golf while our daughter was sleeping in the stroller. We then headed indoors and played a round of pool while we waited for the others to join us after watching the puppet show which was going as we were putting out daughter to bed. The next morning we had the full day to stay and enjoy everything that the resort has to offer, but it was our daughter’s first birthday so we has to leave right after breakfast to drive home for her birthday party. I would have loved to stay and go paddle boating, kayaking, lie by the pool, try out the ropes course and so much more!

All in all I would absolutely recommend fern resort as a family getaway and I hope to be able to return again soon.

It's that time of the year again. Summer vacation is coming to an end, and it's back to school time. Over the last nine years of parenting, my view on this time of the year has changed significantly.

This was the email that I sent out to Life With A Baby members in 2009, two years after becoming a mom, and one year of the program.

I've been listening to some back to school commercials that call back to school time the most wonderful time of the year for parents because the kids will be back in school. For us new moms with infants or toddlers going to daycare it's not so wonderful. My toddler started daycare last week and I wish I could turn the clock back to when she was younger and I had much more time with her. I really truly hope that I never get to the point where I will feel like back to school time is the best time of the year. To the right is a picture of Katelyn & I when she was five months... and I cannot believe it's been two years already! Where did the time go?

A few years later in 2012, I had a different perspective and was a bit more reasonable. Let's face it, as our kids get older, and we are further along in our parenting journey our views change.

Katelyn is now 5 years old and in SK. I also have a 13 month old little guy Ethan. I still don't consider back to school time as the most wonderful time of the year, but it is pretty darn close :-). This time when I heard the commercials, I nodded with understanding and I honestly looked forward to getting some structure in both our days. After a full summer of fun, bonding and exhaustion, I was glad for school to start again.

Now, seven years after my initial email I can joyfully sing along with the commercials. I wholeheartedly agree! It is the most wonderful time of the year.

Now don't get me wrong. I love all the good times that we spend together. Note that I specified the good times. Realistically, having the kids around all the time over the summer months gets tiring. I miss the routine of the school year. I will not miss hearing them saying "I'm bored".


I will send them off to school happy with the realization that we had a fantastic summer. I will enjoy the quality time we have in the evenings and on the weekends glad that I was able to get work done, and they are learning what they need to at school.

I'm also happy because September gets us closer to fall, the gorgeous colours, the long family walks, the cuddles in evenings after school. I do love this time of year. 

With time our parenting views change, I look back at the time when I didn't want my kids to get older fondly. I loved that time. I'm glad I felt that way then.

Now, I'm at a new place in my parenting journey. Now I don't mind that they are getting older. In fact, I want them to. I love the conversations. I love their personalities. I love experiencing the different stages that they are going through. 

And I'm absolutely OK with them going off, and being away for me for a bit.  I'm sure in a few months, in the dead of winter, I'll be looking forward to summer break and all the fun we will have together, yet again.

How has your parenting journey evolved? What's one thing that you felt strongly about when your child was an infant that has completely changed?

Dear Jennifer, I recently read about your story and at first it just angered me. I know sometimes headlines are written for maximum shares, so I wanted to read more before I comment on it. In all honesty, at first, I thought it was satire. Is a mom really suing because of the pain and suffering of a raising a non-white baby?

I didn't want to form an opinion without learning more, so I read on. I watched your tearful videos. From what I saw it sounds like you love your daughter. But, love in not an excuse for bad behaviour.

Jennifer, I get it. I know it's hard managing expectations when parenting doesn't turn out the way you expect. I know you wanted an ideal child and you put a lot of care into choosing what that child would look like. The ideal child for you would be a white baby from a father with blond hair and blue eyes. And instead, you received a mixed race baby.

I get you being upset with the sperm bank. I would be too. WHO wouldn't be? Realistically, I cannot imagine a scenario where anyone could have this happen and not be upset. We would all have that moment of Oh my god. What happened?

Photo source <http://rare.us/story/parenting-this-baby-is-not-what-she-expected-so-she-is-suing-again/>

And so you sued. You said you sued because the sperm bank was callous, didn't apologize, and didn't seem to care about their mistake. The case was thrown out. You had a right to sue; the sperm bank made a colossal mistake. I agree with you that the sperm bank should be held accountable - not because of the mixed race baby but because they messed up. And I think that is what you should focus on.

Instead, though, the second time around, you are focusing on the emotional trauma associated with raising a non-white baby. This is the part where I'm completely lost. From watching the videos and the way you talk about your child, it seems like you love her, and you are happy with your daughter. You say you wouldn't change a thing, and you are very happy. Again, Jennifer, I have to remind you that love is not an excuse for bad behaviour.

Using your child's skin colour and mixed race status as a negative to try and leverage the trauma to you is wrong.

Requesting money to be able moved to a more tolerant town because you cannot stay in the racist town that you live and grew up in is wrong.

Requesting money because of the emotional pain associated with driving to a black hairdresser to get your daughter's hair cut is the height of hypocrisy.

Can't you see that your daughter will one day read that you felt that raising her was harder simply because of the colour of her skin?

Guess what Jennifer; it is not your sweet daughter's fault that you have to move to another town. It's systemic racism towards people of colour.

It is not your daughter's fault that you feel uncomfortable driving to a black hairdresser to get her hair done. It is your own racist tendencies.

I know, you are going to say that you are not racist and can't be racist because you know what it's like to be marginalized. This is where I'm going to say bullshit, Jennifer.

In fact, this is so much worse because you are a part of a marginalized group. You should understand. And you should know better.

You are going to say you are not racist because you love your daughter. Loving one non-white person does not make absolve you from your racism. In fact, you are now doing to your daughter what others may have done to you because of your sexual orientation. Do you see that?

Jennifer, whether you mean what you say, or only saying it to get money out of the insurance company, you are your child's first bully.

You are using black stereotypes so that white people at the insurance company will be sympathetic towards your request for $150,000. AND you know what you are doing.

So how does it feel to be your child's first bully? To perpetuate the stigma that she is less than a white child because of the colour of her skin.

I get it. It was a shock; it was a disappointment, but this child deserves parents who will be her ally, not her bully. She deserves parents who are going to protect her in a very unfair world. She deserves parents that will not perpetuate racism towards her no matter how much it may help their case.

And for God's sake this poor child is going to read about herself one day. She is going to read how she was not wanted, and how difficult it was for her parents simply because of the colour of her skin. She is going to read that she was a mistake and that she made your life difficult simply because of the colour of her skin.

But Jennifer, you knew who she was going to be before she was born and you chose to have her.

Now I'm asking you to choose to support her, choose to stand up for her, choose to break down barriers for her, choose to fight systemic racism for her.

File a suit because the lab made a colossal mistake, sue because you want to prevent other couples from going through the same thing. Sue because you believe the lab should be held accountable.

But please, do not base your suit on the pain and suffering of parenting a non-white baby. That is just bullshit!

Last week, I was going along fine and then.... FREAK OUT! Though, I'm not sure if it's still a freak out if no one is around to see it.

What happened? I wanted to have a fun day out with the kids just the two of us. I told them they were in charge of the day, and I'd try to do as many of the activities they wanted to do as possible. Naturally, I was out ALL day! These kids have a lot of energy.

Luckily, it was Friday, and they were going to Grandma's for a sleepover. I got home after dropping them off to the grandparents for the evening, and the living room was in disarray from the kids building forts and playing in the morning.

Surprise, surprise it was exactly as I had left it in the morning.

And, the sink is full of dishes - and it is my day to do them.

And, I had to do laundry. So much laundry - why is there always laundry to do? I just did it last weekend!

I started cleaning up, and I get a text message from hubby asking if I planned anything for us the night. I forgot it was my turn to plan date-night. And truth be told I didn't want to go out I'm was tired from the all the activities.

So, I call him to see how long he was going to be and ask him to pick up wine.

AND THEN IT HAPPENED!!!

I found out he is golfing. GOLFING! I said, "OK, see you soon." AND then I had a little tantrum, stopped loading the laundry, wrote a long text which I promptly deleted. You know, along the lines of " it's not fair, the house is a mess, how could you be golfing when the house is a mess.

Because this was not my first time having this type of freak out, I knew what his response was going to be.

"no one is making you do it,

no one is saying it can't wait until tomorrow,

no one is telling you to do everything."

And most importantly, "Why are you cleaning when you are supposed to be getting ready for our date?"

So, I reminded myself that the difference between Denys and I is that he is VERY good with self-care. AND? The reason I was freaking out and feeling frustrated is because I'm tired and likely need to do something for my own self-care. So I scheduled some me time in my calendar. Suddenly, I went from frustrated to looking forward to my chocolate body wrap and facial even if the only time they had available is 9 am.

Immediately, I was less tired and was able to finish the rest of the chores like it was a great pleasure :) And I delegated putting away the clean laundry to him.

Win.

Do you find your partner is better at self-care and taking breaks when they need it than you are? I've been told this is a mom trait.

As I was saying my gratitude for my kids and a prayer last night, I realized how grateful I am for this present moment, just the way they are.

When I got to Ethan (who is the most challenging right now) it went like this:

Thank you for Ethan, he is such a wonderful and caring boy, though I wish he would be less busy sometimes, and was more manageable. 

I wish I had more energy to manage him but in a few years, it will be easier because he will understand cause and effect better, and he will be more careful.

I look forward to that time. But in a few years he will be different, he may loose some of his sweetness and his spontaneity, and his infectious laugh may be different. In a few years, he will not be 5, in a few years who knows what will happen.

Dear universe, thank you for Ethan - my sweet boy who loves to laugh, and jump, and who gives the best hugs and kisses. Ethan, who is so innocent and who doesn't have a mean thought. Ethan who delights in playing with yarn the way a little kitten would.

Thank you so much for my sweet boy. Please give me the strength and understanding to allow him to be who he is right now and to be present in the moment, and to enjoy it.

It's going to be ten years of marriage in a few months. So we should have this co-parenting thing figured out already, right? I wish I could say we have everything figured out. We do not. The #1 thing that we argue about tends to be related to parenting styles. I'm more lenient that he would like me to be, and he is stricter that I would like him to be. When I find myself getting annoyed and thinking he is too strict, I remind myself that we both love and want the best for our kids.

For all the ways we differ in our parenting, I always remind myself just how much he loves her and has always loved her. How much he protected her when I was going through PPD. How much of a rock he was for both of us in those early years. How he gave us the love we needed when I was in the void and my anxieties and my fears were controlling our lives. It's hard to say what a good man looks like in moments of stress and exhaustion. And parenting little ones is exhausting at times.

I can tell you there were lots and lots of moments over the last ten years when we did not think we would make it. In the first year of marriage after our daughter was born, I thought he was the worst husband in the world. I was so angry and resentful and upset with him all the time. I hated that his life hadn't changed, and I was the only one who was losing myself. I am glad we did counseling, and I'm glad I was able to recognize where some of those issues were just in my head. There were lots of things that we needed to work through, and I'm glad we worked through them.

A friend recently asked me what my advice is for the first year. Honestly, the first year of marriage after kids is hard. SO VERY HARD. The sleep deprivation plays so badly with our heads. If you had a good relationship before the stress of parenting took over - fight for your relationship. Put the time and effort in to get you back to where you were or to an even better place. I am so glad that I did.

This photo popped up in my reminders today. I'm glad we took lots of pictures. That first year can be blurry. You know that saying "the days are long but the years are short"? It's true.

My daughter is nine years old now. I cannot believe that much time has passed, it feels like just yesterday she was a baby. I remember this day at the splash pad. I remember that he was the one running through and playing with her. I was sitting under a tree resting and decided to zoom in with the camera to find them at the splash park. I remember capturing this very sweet moment and being glad that I saw it.

It's the same with marriage sometimes. In those blurry days of parenting little ones, the years will fly by, make sure that you hold on to each other. Make sure to store the good days in your memory for protecting against those bad days. Sometimes we tend to focus more on the negative than the positive. Make sure to imprint all the positive memories on your brain.

If conflicting parenting styles is a challenge in your marriage, work through it. Remember that moms and dads parent differently and that is OK.

If you are in the trenches now, capture those moments, fight for the people you love, it will get better. XO

When we were expecting our first son we heard a lot of comments from friends and family about how impossible it would be to travel with children. We brushed the comments off and pushed through because travel was so important to us and we couldn't imagine our life without our adventures.

So it came as a bit of a shock when we took our son on his first trip at 10 months. Something felt off, and I couldn't explain it. On one hand we were having an exceptional time seeing beautiful sites, spending time together, getting out of the monotony of everyday life back home. But through all that we just felt stressed. It wasn't until I read a great article that mockingly described how you would never go on vacation again once you had a child, that it hit me. That was it! That's what felt so different! The article explained, as a parent you will still go on trips but if you have to change diapers, pack for others then it's not a vacation. After that point, travel changed for us. I made peace with still going on trips but not going on vacation. I told myself it's just the season, this to shall pass.

When we were invited to join Life With A Baby at Fern Resort our family jumped at the opportunity! We had heard fantastic things about the resort from friends and family. We were looking forward to the opportunity to connect as a family, enjoy the beautiful area and try out some new activities. Several people commented on how relaxing it would be. I smiled, but laughed inside. Relaxed?! Ha! They clearly hadn't traveled with a toddler.

Well I'm here to report- boy was I wrong! We walked away from our two night stay feeling relaxed. Yes, that's right! We had our first VACATION as a family! Here's what made Fern different;

• Toddler friendly dining

We absolutely loved this part of our stay! In fact, for the next few weeks my son asked to go back to the “restaurant” on a daily basis. This may have been his favorite part. The resort offers an early child friendly buffet starting at 5:30pm. This really took the edge off for us because we knew we could get food into him as soon as the nightly witching hour would begin. We didn't have to wait for someone to bring it to us, we could just head right to our spot and eat. They offered a great balance and clearly had experience with picky eaters. Sauce was separate from the noodles, big variety and familiar favorites. Dessert was also plentiful but parked just out of sight line so parents could choose when and how much to offer.

• Free child care

  We absolutely loved the play village! They offered you the option of either staying with your child or leaving them in their care. When we were planning our stay, we didn't anticipate leaving him there. My son is 21 months but has only ever stayed with his grandparents for a few hours at a time. The idea of leaving him alone with staff he didn't know really worried me. Again- I was so wrong! The first night, my husband offered to go play with him at the village to allow me to finish my dinner and chat with friends. Next thing I know, he came and sat back down at our table without our son! I was pretty panicked. My husband assured me they would call our cell if something happened but I couldn't wait, so I ran out and spied on him. He was fine! Not only was he fine...he was having a blast! So I went back to the dinning room and enjoyed my dessert in peace.

We continued to visit the play village throughout our stay. Some of the time we stayed, and at other times we left and enjoyed our meal alone. What I was most impressed with was how respectful and attentive the staff were. I'm sure I came across as an overprotective mother but they were very patient and friendly. I left them my cell and asked that they call me if he asked for me. Sure enough, when my son asked for me they called. I expected to walk into a find a screaming toddler but instead found a calm kiddo who felt confident that I would return when he asked. It was a FANTASTIC first experience being apart!

• Tons of activities and space

The weekend that we stayed, was prime time and the resort was full. I expected to find it a bit crowded but that was not my experience whatsoever. The grounds are quite large and there is plenty of space to find a quiet spot. We really enjoyed the forested trail and the beach. My son is not big on swimming pools but loved to dig in the sand and find squirrels in the woods.

Even with the resort being large, all the amenities are centrally located. This is so helpful for families with young children. Those little legs take a long time to move from place to place so being able to run back to our rooms quickly or grab a diaper in a pinch was fantastic!

• New experiences in a friendly environment

Having the opportunity to experience new things and see new sights is the number one reason my husband and I love to travel! Fern was the perfect place to introduce our little guy to so many amazing things. He got to see his first puppet show and the best part was it was ok that he was laughing loudly in the front row! The resort has such a family feel that the little quirks of toddlers are welcomed and not a nuisance. He also loved the campfire, and beautiful gardens. So many flowers that his mom could never grow at home! This was also his first time at a beach- such a hit!

Our family has nothing but great things to say about Fern. Stumbling upon an unexpected vacation was just what we needed to refocus and get back to life on Monday. We can't wait to go back and make new memories as our son grows older.

Jennifer is the Community Manager for Waterloo Region.  She is a stay at home parent to Elliot who is 22 months old.  She loves crafting, travel and is passionate about creative play!