It's January, the most depressing month of the year according to many. The holidays are over, it's cold, It's back to work and routine, there is less sun, and it's generally grey and dreary outside.  It's also the time of year that we decide, usually after indulging way too much over the holidays, that we need to do something about those extra pounds.  I've wanted to get in shape for a few months, not necessarily to lose weight but to gain strength and muscle and to tone up and tighten my core, the one thing we all wish was a bit firmer after kids.  My kids are 10 and 6 so there is no excuse really that I haven't gotten back to where I feel I want to be.  And it's not that I don't exercise - I run on a regular basis, and I had been going to a gym a few times a week.

What I realized after only 6 weeks at Orangetheory Fitness is that I was not exercising in the right way to lose weight or sculpt muscles. There is a difference between exercising for general health, and with the intention to change body composition.  I made some faulty assumptions: I assumed that because I was running for 30 minutes a few times a week that I was working out. I wasn't. I used to do track since the age of 5 until high school, and I have crazy good endurance. A 5k run doesn't phase me, but 20 minutes on the treadmill at an OTF class and It feels like the hardest I've ever worked.   

I also could never stick with a gym. I couldn't find the motivation to go on a regular basis, partly because I didn't see the difference in my body and I wasn't feeling the difference in my mood. I would get on the stair climber, elliptical, or treadmill for 30 mins and then  do some weights but everytime I left, I felt that I didn't get a good workout. Do you know that feeling? What was preventing me from pushing myself harder?

The answer for me was that I didn't know how hard I was working out. I couldn't tell if I was pushing myself or not. In my case, I felt that I needed to be extra careful. I have a heart murmur and I need to work out to keep my heart healthy per my doctor's orders b/c heart disease does run in my family, but I also didn't want to push myself too hard (which is more to do with my own anxiety than a medical order). This is where the heart rate monitors that we wear at OTF makes ALL.THE.DIFFERENCE.  For the first time I can see how hard I'm pushing myself. I can see that I was not pushing myself hard AT.ALL.  

After 6 weeks and only going to the gym twice a week I am beginning to see improvement in my body and my mental health is feeling great too. I actually got up early twice last week so that I could make the 8:15 class because the other morning classes were full. I am actually excited to go to the gym. I love the way I feel afterwards and I LOVE LOVE LOVE the way my body is changing for the better.

These are the top 5 things I love about OTF and why I keep going back.

1. The Coaches - the coaches do a great job of getting to know everyone and learning our names. They motivate in a supportive way and connected with me right away so that I could feel comfortable in the class. I love that everything I meet a new coach they seem to follow the same system of making the newbies feel comfortable in the class.
   
   

2. The heart rate monitor system - The heart rate monitors are connected to TVs around the room so we can see how we are doing and if we need to make small adjustments to reach our goal.
   
   

3. The music - The music is so good. And I know you are thinking I have good workout music already what is the big deal? The big deal is not having to keep putting earbuds back in after they fall out, or having anything connecting to me at all. The fact that it's just amazing music that seems to be choreographed perfectly with the workout structure is pure bliss!  
   
   

4. The Orange effect -  All I need is 12 minutes in the orange zone to have an amazing workout that is going to keep burning fat and calories through the next day. 12 minutes.  It's perfection.
   
   

5. The flexibility with the number of classes and locations - I'm very lucky because there are two OTF classes next to me, but a few weeks ago I was in Ottawa for holidays and there is an OTF gym there, and there are OTF gyms all across Canada so even when I'm traveling for work I can still go to the gym and get the same great workout.

Overall I'm really enjoying OTF and I'm looking forward to seeing what the next 6 week brings. You can try it for free and see if you love it, too.

Disclaimer : I received a discount off membership at OTF but as always the opinions are my own.

As a parent, it's hard to find time to catch up on things: the laundry, the dishes, with friends, with your spouse. But in the summer of 2017, we finally had time to catch up... and catch our breath at Fern Resort.

Over the course of Two nights, we were able to leave the resort with smiles all over our families faces, feeling like we've finally had a connection yet again. 

When we arrived, my kids (4 and 2 years old) just couldn't wait to go to the Trampoline area. Of course, my 35 year old Husband felt the same so immediately once the keys were in hand, the feet ran over and UP and DOWN and UP and DOWN as my 2 year old said. It was a great way to "JUMP" into our weekend.

Catching some air Fern Resort! Could spend hours here, but it's time for dinner then off to the Play Village! 

Just me and the hubby, kids enjoyed their play time at the Play Village! Delish and quiet meal! #NomNom #SummerAtFern

The food was delicious, but as a parent you know it's hard to relax when your children are being watched by someone you don't know. Well, the staff at Fern and the Play Village are SPECTACULAR!  When you drop your child off you provide them with your phone number and they unlock a gate to let your child in. There is always a staff member at the welcome desk which I was so pleased with the amount of safety procedures they took.

I am not going to lie, we dropped the kids off and watched for 20 minutes and the attention to safety, the personalities of the staff, the genuine caring for your children is apparent. I was more than comfortable to walk away from my children knowing they were in caring hands.

That weekend went by in a blur. So much to do, and just not enough time before we realized the weekend was over.  How to camp everything in only 2 and a half days?From more trampoline time, to driving at the Play Village, to paddle boating with the kids on a beautiful sun lit lake.

The catch up time was completed and we left relaxed, complete and with smiles on our faces... but of course, not before catching one more thing... FISH!

 
So many fun activities for the entire family to do together! E caught her first fish, D's first peddle boat, swimming in the sunshine #somethingforeveryone #summeratFern #CaughtASunfish

The one thing I realized on this Holiday was this: You don't need to always be around your children for them to be happy. You need to focus on time for yourself and in turn, everyone around you will feed off of that positive energy. And, just look at this face. She had a blast. Next summer, we'll have to add a few more days to get even more stuff in; and get even bigger smiles!

Anonymous author

Reflecting on the early years of parenting the first words that come to mind are exhaustion and overwhelmed. Last year a teacher said it's assumed that parents want to volunteer with their children's age bracket but in reality many parents really need a break from whatever stage their children are in and/or don't like certain ages and stages. Amen! She went on to say that most new parents don't belong in the church nursery - why don't the people who aren't on 24/7 baby duty take that role and let the new parents have a break she said... hmm...

Both of the churches we attended when the boys were babies said that all new parents are to take turns in the nursery. Well, I've come to realize why I hated the days I was on nursery duty. I never had the desire to be in the nursery before having babies, and I still don't now. I definitely didn't belong in that nursery room. I should've said no and served elsewhere. You see, I was completely exhausted, overwhelmed, longing for adult conversation and a break from caring for a baby and a toddler. I was on the verge of a mental break for years. Instead of getting a break from parenting duty I agreed to take care of even more babies and toddlers out of perceived obligation.

One of the churches had my injured husband on the schedule as well when it was known that he suffers from chronic pain. We had to explain why not only did he have no desire to be in the nursery but he physically shouldn't be doing it. No really, he will not be doing nursery duty. He cannot put on his own shoes nor shower himself, he can barely take care of himself and his own young children, he will not be regularly volunteering to take care of more babies and toddlers.

I write all of this to give you permission to say no even if you aren't a chronic pain sufferer. If you are as overwhelmed now as I was then don't allow peer pressure to put you on nursery duty if you dread it. Find a way to serve that energizes you and uses your skill set. Ask the people who want to hold your baby in the lobby to take a shift in the nursery on occasion.

I wish that churches would hear the woman who gave me this insight and stop obliging new parents to serve in the nursery. I'm not frustrated with the nursery coordinators for putting me on the schedule, I do however wish I knew then that I shouldn't have agreed to it. I'm proud of the people who said no to me when I asked them to volunteer for stuff. There's endless places to serve within a community, and we give best when we are giving in our areas of expertise and capacity.

Author - Jenny M. 

After the winter holiday, it’s time to plan for the summer! We still have fond memories of our last #SummeratFern. We love traveling but it’s always been to big cities. It was our first road trip and we were not sure if staying in a resort is going to keep us entertained. We were traveling with my 3.5year old and 7 months old baby. Packing for a weekend trip was fairly simple since Fern Resort provided a crib and everything there is family oriented. The room had blackout curtains so baby can nap during the day. The checking in process was quick and easy. Just remember there is no elevator, it’s a workout just getting to the room. Bring your travel stroller as the room is not big enough for a full size and carrying the stroller up the stairs is no fun.

Let’s talk about food! The dining area was set up like a cruise ship. We sat at the same table for all our meals. We walked in and high chair, towel and bib were already there for us. Crayons and coloring pages are available by the door if you want something to entertain your kids. When we travel, we always dine earlier just to skip the crowd and tantrum. At Fern, they also have that options but it is catered to the kids. It's buffet style for main and dessert. Kids can pick and choose what they want to eat. After they finish their meal then its time to send them off to Playvillage! By the next meal, they will be BEGGING you to go! It’s free and they entertain your kids while we enjoyed dinner like real adults. We got to dine kids free, adult conversation, hot food (yes that’s a luxury) and the best of all no dishes and floor to mop after! Don’t forget to bring a snack box to pack fruits from lunch as afternoon snack for the kids. There’s a refrigerator in the room so the food won’t go bad.

During our check in we were given a newsletter that listed out the entertainment schedule. There were shows you can catch at night and family shows during the day. There is plenty to do at Fern; pony rides, fishing, paddle boat, golf trampoline, sunset cruise (extra cost), floor hockey, tennis, swimming and more. Just endless entertainment you can enjoy as a family or without kids. That's right! You can drop them off at Playvillage anytime during the day too. At night, you can call in a babysitter (extra cost) so you can enjoy the evening. I took the opportunity to reconnect with my hubby and spend some one-on-one time with my older child. It was a nice change from our usual city vacation.

If you are thinking where to go this summer check out Fern Resort. You won’t be disappointed!

Author - Jenny M. 

Travelling as a family of five is no easy thing.  Not only do I (because my hubby packs the car and I pack all other things) need to pack most of my house to get us through any and all situations, but finding a place to accomodate us is a struggle. Often hotels and resorts charge premium rates for the extra human or we struggle with finding things to do to entertain our age ranges. 

This summer we had the chance to visit Fern Resort and it was hands down the best part of our summer and the easiest trip my family of five has ever taken. 

We have a shy 6 year old, an outgoing - no limits 4 year old and a starting to toddle 10 month old.  So we need activities, safety and a wide variety of foods. Fern had all this and more.  

We were welcomed with friendly staff who were very helpful with making sure we had all the things we required, or that I forgot (naturally). The rooms were ready with the crib I requested, bumper rail for the pull out bed and mattress protectors in case of accidents. The rooms arent as modern as you want but they are quaint old world Ontario and reminded me that resorts like this are from another time. A place that memories are made and have been for generations. 

We have traveled with our kids but were always the ones hesitant about kids clubs or programs. Through conversation with people who had attended Fern in the past we were given tales of games, crafts and activities far beyond what we could offer our kids through out the day. We decided to give it a whirl. This is absolutely a MUST DO at Fern. It is why you go there, it is what they do best. My kids walked in with some nerves but ran out screaming "lets eat quick, I need to go back!"  They filled our dinner with tales of obstacle courses, jungle gyms, sports games, crafts etc etc etc  My husband and I were thrilled to hear how much they enjoyed it and relieved because we had enjoyed a lazy few hours laying pool side, reading and enjoying each others company. It felt like a second honeymoon. I mean how many hours do I get kid free, to read and swim - um none, ever! 

Our dinner was a three course sit down dinner served AFTER the kids had their dinner and were returned to the kids club for the evening portion. You heard me - more kid free time! We decided to let our baby have an early evening nap in the nursery, which we kind of thought would just be the nannies entertaining her while we ate. But they sent us a text picture of her fast asleep in a comfortable crib snuggling her bunny. We had a glass of wine, ate our dinner talking with other adults and really enjoying a HOT meal. The food was splendid. Prepared fresh and it was a formal menu to choose from. The servers were polite, helpful and attentive.

I could go on and on about kids club, nursery service, the food and the grounds. The kids loved the pool and the beach area. The shuffle board, basketball, giant chess and checkers, mini golf, fishing, paddle boarding - the list is really endless. But what is most important to share is that this vacation with three kids was truly a vacation for my husband and I. How often can you say that? Travel with kids is often just like regular life but in a new location. You return feeling as tired or more then when you left. But our experience at Fern was the opposite. We left with fond memories, shared joy with seeing the smile on our kids faces and knowing that we would return. 

Cheers, 

Julie

I had never heard of Fern Resort prior to being invited on the LWAB Training Retreat last year so I really had no idea what to expect. My fellow volunteers suggested comfy clothes, bathing suits, toiletries and beach towels (although those could be borrowed on site) so that's what I packed! And we had everything we needed!

We were told we could enjoy all the amenities of the resort as soon as we arrived on check in day, even though check in time isn't until 4pm, and true to their word I saw them giving out wristbands to early arrivals. We lucked out and our room was ready a little early so we unpacked the car before we headed to the pool.

Our room was in the Hearthside Inn. The location was perfect - steps from the pool, beach and dining room, right across the parking lot from the kids Playvillage, and a short walk to the Marina Dock, mini golf and playground. My only complaint was that there are no elevators and the rooms are on the 2nd and 3rd floors, but if you need an accessible room there are other buildings with ground level rooms. The lower level of the Hearthside Inn has 2 conference rooms, our group utilized one while we were there, it was so convenient to have our meeting in the same building as our accommodations. The room was well lit with a large table and seats for at least 16 people. It came equipped with a fully stocked Keurig machine and a bar fridge full of cold drinks.

Back to the fun stuff! We did bring our own puddle jumpers but it looked like there were a limited number available to guests who requested them. The first day the kids just wanted to try out the wading pool, it was a perfect size for them! A gradual incline where it maxed out at around 2' deep. The area around the wading pool has a bunch of kid sized chairs and loungers for when (or if) they are ready to get out of the water.  There are also 2 full sized pools on the pool deck, and even at a busy time never felt really crowded. Just off the pool deck is a small beach area with a box of sand toys for the kids to use - my kids spent an entire morning playing here!

There are lots of water sports to enjoy as well, we only took advantage of a paddle boat on our last morning, and it was a short one since the rain showed up just as we got on, but still fun!  At the docks they also offered fishing, just a simple piece of wood, fishing line, hook and a piece of a worm (that they hook for you), this kept the kids busy for a little while watching the little fish nibble on it.

The dining room experience was nice, we had the same friendly waitress all 3 days. Dinner service includes a 5:30 children's buffet, with 'basics' like chicken fingers, fries, pasta, veggies, as well as sliced ham one night and roast beef the next. This allowed parents to feed their kids, and then take advantage of the Playvillage's supervised playtime, for free! We did bring the kids there the first night, but my daughter was overwhelmed and didn't want to stay very long, so the next night we opted out. Maybe next year we'll get a child free dinner :) 

The regular dinner menu had a nice selection of starters, salads and entrees to choose from, and of course delicious desserts to finish it off! At lunch you had the option to stay inside or have a BBQ lunch on the pool deck, the food selection for both was quite good and we all found something to eat without complaints!

We were sad to leave, with being in a meeting for most of one day, and early bedtimes for the kids, we definitely could have used more time to experience all the resort has to offer, but I guess that just means we'll have to go back!

Simply put, self-care is a deliberate act in order to take care of our mental, emotional and physical selves. This sounds simple and easy, and in theory, it should be. But often times people, particularly busy parents, feel guilty for doing something for themselves, especially something that has been traditionally overlooked in the maintenance of “good health”. But here’s the thing: we take steps to maintain proper oral and physical hygiene like brushing our teeth and bathing without feeling guilty, so why should taking steps to maintain emotional and mental health be any different? 

Self-care is not just important, it’s crucial. If you aren’t taking care of your emotional and mental health, then you can’t care for another person. Something I routinely say to new NICU parents: you need to put your oxygen mask on first before you can attend to your child. If you get sick, both physically and/or mentally, then who will care for your baby? When framed this way, it’s a little bit easier to see how self-care isn’t a selfish act—something busy parents might think when they feel guilty for taking their own ‘timeout’ from life.

Not only does self-care maintain healthy mental and emotional health, but it is also a preventative measure against “overload burnout”. It also reduces the negative affects of stress, and it should rejuvenate you. This last point is important to underlined because self-care shouldn’t become another thing you have to do. While, yes, we should make time for it, we shouldn’t have to force ourselves to do it. That completely defeats the purpose! Self-care should refuel you; you should have a sense of being refreshed and ready to dive back into life after you do it.

Self-care means different things to different people—as mentioned above, it has to be something that you enjoy doing. One person might find journaling cathartic and a good way to organize their thoughts, while another person might find the thought of journalling fluffy and unhelpful. That being said, there are some guidelines that might help you find a fulfilling self-care routine:

• Self-care doesn’t just happen. You do have to make a conscious effort and plan to incorporate it into your daily life. Put it in your schedule; tell your partner that you’re planning a ‘self-care timeout’; or actively find a free 15-20 minute chunk of time to practice self-care.

• Identify your self-care practice as self-care. For example, someone might find a hot shower as relaxing and as a way to unwind, but only view it as a personal hygiene act. By identifying your hot shower as a part of your self-care, you can tack on a few extra minutes to your routine and (hopefully) not feel guilty for doing so.

• Set some boundaries by identify things you don’t want to do. For example, not answering the phone during lunch/dinner, not reading emails after a certain time, not attending events that you’re not interested in attending, and limiting time with people who bring negativity into you life. 

• Eat Healthy. I get it—this gets pushed down our throats everywhere we turn (pun intended!). But eating a balanced diet does affect our mood and thus our emotional and mental health. Eating healthy is hard most days, but especially so over the holidays. Remember the key is balance—there’s nothing wrong in indulging a little in holiday goodies, just remember to throw in some leafy greens, and fruits throughout the day too. 

• Exercise. Yup—another thing we hear over and over again. But this too affects our mood. But how can we exercise when it’s -100 out and we have a fragile NICU graduate with us? Sometimes getting to gym is not an option. One way to work up a bit of a sweat and stay comfortable and away from crowds is to wake up early, and head to mall before it opens. This might sound unrealistic and kinda cheesy, but it does work! Try brisk walking or a light jog around The Eaton’s Centre’s three levels five times without stopping, and you’ve got yourself a sweat glow. 

• Okay—some explicit (and traditional) examples of self-care: journalling; yoga classes; ten-minute meditation breaks; crisp fresh air; lunch dates with friends; joining a “parent and baby class”. Remember—these examples might not be something that works for you. But you owe it to yourself, and your family, to find something that does work for you. Once you become mindful of things that do refuel you, you’ll be able to identify more explicit forms of self-care that work for you and fit into your life.

Every day. That’s not to say you have to take two hours daily to get to that spin class. But you should be doing something for you, and only you, every day. That also doesn’t mean that it has to be by yourself. Maybe a 15 minute conversation with that friend that always makes you laugh is all you need to leave you in a great mood for the rest of the day. But try every single day to do something uplifting, or relaxing. Once you become cognizant of incorporating self-care into your life, you’ll start to develop your own routine of finding ways to bring some rejuvenation into your life daily. The more you practice self-care, the easier it will be to find ways to incorporate your self-care practices into your daily living. 

The Holiday season is tough. My baby is home from NICU, I'm trying to get to see everyone and I feel overwhelmed. HELP! How can I accomplish it all?

You can’t accomplish it all. And you don’t have to. Once you give yourself permission to not be super parent, the expectation to “do it all” disappears. The thing is, most people aren’t expecting us to do everything either. Most of the time, it’s an expectation we place on ourselves. The holidays brings a certain level of stress though—everyone’s in town, and everyone wants to see us (and probably your NICU graduate too!). But this is where setting boundaries comes into play. There will be some people who will be disappointed they didn’t get to see you this holiday season. But most people will understand why. It’s okay to reschedule plans for when things are less busy a couple of months from now. Maybe using Face Time or similar sort of technology to catch up with friends is an option. Prioritising your own sanity during the busy holiday season should be taken seriously, and not just an option. 

What to Expect When You're Expecting Part 2– The Checklist

So much to do and so little time. Expecting parents are, in a very real sense “on the clock”, with so many concerns to address in a finite and quickly shrinking window of time. In hopes of easing some of the pressure, this article will provide a simple checklist of things employees can do to prepare for the big day.

1 - Find out the Due Date
This is, not surprisingly, the most important piece of information for expecting parents and employers. Though rarely exact, a due date provides a rough idea for everyone as to when maternity leave or parental leave may begin.


2 - Know the Law
You don’t have to be an expert in employment law, you simply need to know the basics.

First, familiarize yourself the with law as it relates to taking an unpaid job protected leave of absence under Federal or Provincial law (discussed elsewhere).

Second, look into what benefits may be available to you as an expecting parent. Benefits available may include Maternity Benefits and Parental Benefits under the Employment Insurance Act, as well as any benefits available through a private or employer funded benefits plan.

If you are covered under a group health benefits plan or contribute to a pension plan, it is important to remember that while your employer is obliged to keep this plan in place, you may be required to continue your monthly contributions or premium payments during your leave if you want the employer to match them and maintain coverage or participation in the plan while you are on leave. This is why it’s important to gather information from your employer.

3 - Obtain Copies of All Relevant Policies and Insurance Plans from your Employer
Even before advising your employer of the due date, it would be wise to ask your employer for some information:

If the employer has any written policies regarding parental leave, request a copy in advance;  

If you are covered under a group benefits plan that provides for health benefits or disability benefits, obtain a copy of the plans and policies and understand your entitlements. Are you, for instance, entitled to a supplemental benefit that will top up EI Benefits during your leave? Do you have disability insurance? etc.;  

Find out whether you are required to pay insurance premiums during your leave (if you contributed through deductions to your pay while working, you may be required to make payments during your leave of absence);  

Ask your employer for a copy of any policies regarding accommodating pregnant employees or persons with disabilities. It would be good to know, for instance, whether the employer has a policy regarding medical visits leading up to delivery or a policy regarding accommodating parents returning to work;  

Out of an abundance of caution, it would also be wise to familiarize yourself with policies regarding employees’ obligations regarding unpaid leaves of absence, just in case you find yourself disabled from returning to work on the agreed upon date.

Once you have obtained and reviewed all of the above information, you may want to discuss any concerns with your employer or a lawyer if you believe the policies are discriminatory (or if there are no policies at all).

4 - Plan Your Leave and Provide Notice
With all of the above information you should be in a good position to provide your employer with written notice as to the start of your maternity or parental leave as required under the employer’s policies or under the Federal or Provincial law.

Remember, if you are covered by private insurance policies, it may be beneficial to push back the beginning of your maternity leave. If you otherwise find yourself disabled from working in the days leading up to the start of maternity leave, short term disability benefits may be payable from the date of disability to the agreed upon start of the maternity leave. Of course, this will all depend on the policy of insurance, which you have already asked for, above.

As the due date arrives, it you may wish to make arrangements with your employer to pay premiums to continue your health benefits.

When providing written notice to your employer as to the day your maternity or parental leave may start, it is also important that you make it clear – in writing – that you would like to be apprised of any internal job postings or opportunities and provided with an opportunity to compete for them while on leave. You should also request that you be made aware of any changes to your job and given an opportunity to participate in any work-related discussions or training provided to employees still at the work place.

Of course, it’s important that your employer has up to date contact information as well if you hope to receive any communication from your employer.


The list of matters to canvass and issues that arise prior to the birth of a child is endless, consequently, legal advice should be sought from a lawyer prior to you embarking on any search for the truth insofar as to what your rights are.

The comments in this article are not be taken as legal advice, rather, legal advice should always be sought prior to engaging in actions which have the potential to harm your employer-employee relationship notwithstanding your rights. My recommendation is that if you have a question or concern, simply send an email to Aaron Waxman at awaxman@awaxmanlaw.ca or call me at 416-661-4878/1844-583-4878 (or #LTD on your cell phone). One more thing, before you call you should always remember that there are no bad questions!

Thanks,

Aaron

When we were first time parents many people told us, "wow have you got it easy!" and looking back, we did. Our first born was chill. From the very beginning he basically took care of himself. Other then his refusal to nap more then 40 minutes twice a day (but we all know that was more me then him, I'm smarter now!) He hardly cried, was easily satisfied and as he grew and developed a personality he remained that easy natured, calm child.

Enter, baby 2!

Imagine a world where everything is opposite, bizarro and LOUD! That was our new life. Our second born decided to be different. He wanted volume, drama, alarm bells and to be utterly confusing minute by minute, day by day.  His spirit was (still is) naturally vivacious and extreme. He feels all things passionately and is not afraid to show it.

As a Mom I have always felt it was my job to be conscious or purposeful in my parenting. I believe that parenting your children isn't all about instincts and leaving it up to fate. I haven't been the type to throw my hands up and "well I can only do what I can do".  I knew that I had to learn and grow with my kids at their different stages. I wasn't born with the skills to settle a sibling dispute over who ran so hard they broke the others lego creation, I mean huh?  I don't have the natural patience level to hear the explanation of how the toilet paper ended up in the toilet unwound and half flushed filling the bathroom with water. Professionally, I am trained, educated and experienced in dealing with behaviour, anxiety, developmental stages and challenges, family dynamics etc But that means NOTHING in your own parenting sphere. So I read. I scoured the internet for parenting blogs, articles, books etc. I loved it and because of it I found my parenting identity. I helped my husband find his own style (different from my own, annoyingly!) and together we started to sort through the rubble of having a spirited child. Or as we affectionately refer to him, our Three-nager.

I believe the definition of Three-nager would sound something like this. A beautiful complex blend of a toddler and a teenager. A tiny human full of the big emotions, learning  challenges and limitations of a 3 year old but the mood swings, temper tantrums and need for independence of an adolescent. Thank you universe for that cocktail blend of crazy.

Over the course of a year we tried and failed at many strategies to cope with our sons tantrums, crying spells, behaviours and emotions. There were times when we spoke to our doctor so overwhelmed with how to cope. We were convinced he had a learning or developmental disability. Perhaps he was on the autism spectrum or had ADHD. I ran his attributes through checklists, questionnaires etc. Nope - nothing. We finally figured out a blend of strategies that really helped our every day life. Life was never perfect, days were still hard but for the most part they were better, mostly enjoyable!  Its not cold to describe this stage in my sons life in this way, its realistic. Three year olds are learning and figuring out complex emotions through daily situations. They struggle to balance the need for adult support with their desire to be independent. How many times have you heard, "I do it!" and three hours, two meltdowns and maybe some kicking or throwing toys later - they do! Some kids breeze through the 2-3 yr stage without these concerns. Some people have them to varying degrees. It doesn't make it easier or better for one set of parents. We all have our own sets of struggles at different stages. Comparing what you experience with your own children to what others experience just creates fear, self doubt and shame. Sharing and listening to each other creates dialogue, support and empowerment.

Here is what I have learned;

Hold them Close

Pull them close, hold them tight, wrap your arms around them and let them cry. Sit and snuggle through the screaming and tears until their body relaxes. Stand close, at their eye level or on the floor in front or beside them. It feels counter intuitive to pull your screaming 3 year old, who might have just kicked you or took a giant bite out of your shoulder, in for a hug but their internal regulators are firing on all cylinders. They are confused and overwhelmed and no matter of talking AT them will help.  Your warmth, slow deep breathing, soft cooing of "its ok. Im here and I love you" will help them ride the wave of complex feelings until they are ready to problem solve or move forward.

Let One Go

Sometimes "this way or no way" just starts a power struggle big enough to blow the roof off the house. Things may seem prescribed "this is how we put on a coat" but to a Three -nager there are no limits. He or she sees that coat with endless ideas and options. Legs in sleeves, upside down, buttons only etc. Time and patience permitting let them do it. It won't be the worst thing for them to wear the coat upside. Let One Go. Meals especially make this idea difficult. No one wants to run a restaurant in their kitchen, making many separate meals is exhausting. But, if dinner is tacos and the Threenager says "i do it" or "eww gross" - face palm yourself, pray for bedtime and say these three words to yourself "let one go". Let the little darling assemble her taco, create her own version of a taco (PB+J anyone?) or if disgust is on the menu let them create a plate of items using whatever is in the fridge. Don't fight the hurricane, ride the wave. You won't damage their healthy eating habits, or ruin your dreams of family dinners. It all still happens because eventually the fight is gone and the Three-nager moves on. Obviously safety trumps this notion but in most situations if you take a deep breath and ask yourself whether your "way" has more to do with how you think something SHOULD be and no harm will come to the Three-nager, Let One Go.

Acknowledge Them

Big emotional reactions are basically many little feelings triggered from many tiny experiences that stick together and then implode inside the Three-nager. Think of a carbonated beverage slowly being turned upside down repeatedly in a day. Eventually the lid pops off and sprays everywhere. Throughout the day say things outloud like "Peppa Pig is being sassy today isn't she?", "wow I love this hot cup of coffee it makes me so happy", "Mommy thinks you must be feeling frustrated that I can't find your favourite purple sock" repeat repeat repeat. The more Three-nagers here emotional language used in everyday experiences the more likely they are to use that language in explaining or talking with you. My Three-nager would not have held off a tantrum due to saying he was frustrated but at least I had a 1 minute warning to set the coffee down, put on a rain poncho and wait for his lid to pop off! (figuratively speaking of course!)

Rest Repair Repeat

The days of parenting a Three-nager feel endless. 6am to 7pm is a long time to be on guard, ready for battle, restating emotions, creating choice, holding them close etc. Wearing down. growing weary and feeling resentful is common. Its hard and only parents of Three-nagers really get it. Lots try to understand and be empathetic, "oh my darling got so mad yesterday she yelled at me too!" Nope, thats different! Give yourself some leeway to feel bad, to be sad, to wallow and to fear if you are doing a good job. Acknowledge your own feelings, share them with your partner but then find time to repair. Create moments to build yourself back up, to feel the joy in your parenting, to be kind to yourself and do something that brings you peace and calm. In the same way repair with your child. Create opportunities to snuggle, to laugh, to be present and enjoy the beautiful complex angel in your life. They feel all things strongly, including their own happiness and joy. Revel in their ability to stand against the normal and forge their own path. Tell them you love them, you adore them, you learn from them everyday. REPEAT REPEAT REPEAT

My Three-nager isn't an angel everyday. But when we gave up on waiting for him to grow out of it, as if this personality trait was a pair of old pants - and we focused on learning and experiencing with him, our daily lives and his got better.

Cheers, 

Julie 

check out more of my writing at www.wordpress.com/builtwithjoy 

In this article, we discuss expecting parents’ rights to take job protected unpaid time off work before and after the birth of a child.

Which Law Applies?
The laws governing employment are different depending on where you work. Of course, everything starts with what’s provided in an employment contract; if your contract says you are entitled to two years of maternity leave, that’s great! On the other hand, if your contract says you cannot have any time off after having a baby, then that contract (or that part of the contract at least) is likely unenforceable because it violates the Canada Labour Code (“CLC”), or its provincial counterparts like the Ontario Employment Standards Act (“ESA”).

There are only minor differences between the CLC and the ESA with respect to protected time off from work, but it is important to know which law applies to your situation. If you work as an employee in a federally regulated industry like banking, telecommunications, air or rail travel, then the CLC applies. If the CLC does not apply, then the Ontario ESA will apply (assuming you work in Ontario). It’s that simple.

Do you Qualify?
Expecting mothers are eligible for pregnancy leave under the CLC if they have completed six months of continuous employment before leave begins.  Under the ESA, expecting mothers qualify for pregnancy leave if they have started their employment at least 13 weeks before the expected due date. Any absence that does not sever your employment – like a sick leave of vacation – does not interrupt your continuity of employment.

Pregnancy Leave
Expecting mothers – not spouses and not adoptive parents – are permitted to take up to 17 consecutive weeks of pregnancy leave, also be called maternity leave.  

Under the CLC, pregnancy leave can start up to 11 weeks before the expected due date. Under the ESA, leave can start up to 17 weeks before the due date. The last day to start this leave of absence is – understandably – the day the baby is born.  A pregnancy leave may be extended if the baby arrives after the expected due date.

Expecting parents are required to provide between four weeks notice (under the CLC) and two weeks notice (under the ESA) of the start date for a pregnancy leave. Failure to do so doesn’t deprive you of your right to time off, but it certainly sends the wrong message.

An employer may require a medical certificate confirming your pregnant, and the due date. The start date may be changed if sufficient notice is provided. If they do, there’s no harm in proving one. An employer cannot, however, dictate when a pregnancy leave starts, even if an employee is sick or her pregnancy limits the type of work she can do.

Parental Leave
New parents, including birth parents, adopting parents, and people in a relationship with a parent of a child with plans to treat the child as their own, have the right to take parental leave, which provides for up to 37 weeks of job protected leave (or 35 weeks if you’re a mom who has already taken pregnancy leave).

A birth mother who takes pregnancy leave is generally required to start her 35 weeks of parental leave as soon as pregnancy leave ends, though there are some exceptions. Any other eligible employee can start their 37 weeks of parental leave anytime within the 52 weeks following the arrival of a child. Just like pregnancy leave, parental leave must be taken all at once and advance notice must be provided to the employer.
 
Other Types of Job Protected Leave
Pregnancy and Parental leave are baseline entitlements, which means your employer must permit you time off work. An employer may also simply agree to provide more time off if requested. If time off is needed for medical reasons, an employer would be hard pressed to deny a reasonable request supported by a doctor’s note, especially where an employee is participating in an insurance plan that provides for disability benefits. If, heaven forbid, complications should arise before or after a pregnancy, the law also provides for other types of job protected unpaid leaves of absence, such as personal emergency leave or family medical leave.

Changes Ahead
As you may have heard, the federal and provincial governments are proposing changes to these laws, and to the Federal Employment Insurance program that may extend parental leave. Right now, however, these changes have not been put into place, this article only touches upon the system as it stands.

Conclusion

The law is quite fluid and this article is an overview of the law.  The comments in this article are not be taken as legal advice, rather, legal advice should always be sought out prior to engaging in actions which have the potential to harm your employer-employee relationship notwithstanding your rights.  My recommendation is that if you have a question or concern, simply send an email to Aaron Waxman at awaxman@awaxmanlaw.ca or call at 416-661-4878/1844-583-4878 (or #LTD on your cell phone).  One more thing, before you call you should always remember that there are no bad questions!