I’m overall a pretty happy person, which is why some find it ironic when they discover I live with chronic depression. I was formally diagnosed with chronic depression in high school, in grade 9. My mother told me that she recalls I’d displayed behaviour that matched signs of depression as early as grade 1. Pretty much, to my knowledge, I’ve been living with depression 85% of my life, and that percentage grows as I age.

 

Perhaps I’ll go more into details a little later what I go through, and how I coped with postpartum when I had my 2 babies, but in this post, I really feel the need to discuss what it’s like to solo parent for me, because I’d just finished a 10 day solo parenting gig, and I’m about to enter another set of solo parenting, this time for 3 days.

 

We have 2 girls, K, 4.5 year old, and R, 8 months. K is pretty self-sufficient nowadays, however, she’s still coping with having to share mom time with her younger sister. She also recently became a moody “teenager” and she’s giving me insight on what it’ll be like when real teen years hits, and it’s not something I’m looking forward to, but at least I can start mentally preparing. R pretty much can’t do anything at the moment, except eat, sleep, smile and poop.

 

My husband works for a company that has its head office in California. Part of his work requires that he travels to head office every so often, as well as across Canada to visit his clients. We’re very blessed to have my parents stay with us half the year, but the other half, is the half that most of us don’t want to be in Canada for anyways, yup, winter. Therefore, when my husband is away in the winter, I’m on my own.

 

I think everyone can agree with me that schlepping any amount of children during the winter months is a pain, I’m definitely no different in that line of thinking.

 

I’m an expert in my own mental health. Now, I cannot speak for anyone else, and I won’t speak for anyone else, because I’m not a health professional, and I cannot tell you whether what I go through is the same for another person, but I am pretty good at self-diagnosis. Considering I’ve lived with it most of my life, I’ve gone through many challenges, as well as many forms of treatments to understand and be aware of certain factors that would trigger a relapse. I’ve also become pretty good at identifying certain signs that tells me I’m relapsing and that I need to do something about it. It works most of the times, but every so often I fall, and when I do, I fall pretty hard.

 

I’m in a fairly acceptable spot at the moment. While during pregnancy, I was on Cipralex, and up until R was about 6 months. That makes me currently off of medication for about a little over 2 months. I don’t like being on meds, partly because I’m stubborn, but also because I find that I feel differently when I’m on meds vs when I’m not. There’s pros and cons to both, but my preference is to not be on it, but I will go back on it if I have a serious relapse.

 

One of the biggest contributing factors that triggers me is lack of companionship. That’s not to say I’m dependent on people like my spouse, that I cannot make a decision unless my husband is present. Quite the opposite, I’m fairly headstrong, and I enjoy my independence. What I mean by companionship is, I enjoy human interactions. I’m not a homebody, I definitely didn’t take after my mom. She can hermit herself for days and be perfectly content, whereas I take after my dad, if he doesn’t at least go outside once a day and talk to someone, anyone, he gets pretty antsy. I’m like my father. I also think that because both my father and I have chronic depression, being full of companionship is our checkpoint to keep us above water.

 

So while my husband was gone for 10 days, that’s exactly what I did, I surrounded myself with lots of companionship, some are very much artificial, and some are not. An example of an artificial companionship, is going to the mall, and just chatting it up with the barista at Starbucks, or simply sit in the food court, and exchange smiles with those who pass by.

 

If you ask my good friends, they’ll tell you that I’m the type of person that enjoys spontaneity, I like adventures on a whim. However, not for the 10 days I’m alone with the girls. I plan well ahead to keep companionship at a maximum, I have no time for being lonely which can often lead my brain to go into peculiar places of thoughts.

 

As soon as I know I’m scheduled to solo parent, I let my friends know the dates. A handful of my friends are aware of my conditions, and they know they play a vital part in my life in keeping me healthy. Most of the time it doesn’t take much, simply by being available for a little emotional support actually makes a big difference for me. Some of my friends that have known me longer know to automatically make plans with me such as “I’ll come by Tuesday afternoon, from 5-9pm for you to boss around as you please, put me in your schedule.” Other friends that aren’t as ‘experienced’ with me, I’ll called and tell them that I need company, and they’ll make arrangements with me to meet up, or come by. One of my friend spent the entire Saturday afternoon keeping K entertained at Chuck E Cheese, while I sat at the booth hanging out with R, and that was a big deal for me, it was “relaxing”!

 

I don’t really know what other moms without chronic depression go through when they need to solo parent. I think it’s probably similar feelings as I go through, perhaps on a slightly less intense level, but it’s still tough and it’s still pretty lonely. For me, I don’t try to accomplish everything, in fact, I focus on just a couple of things a day, and if I get them done, then I’m good. As long as me and my girls are ok, everything else can wait. Like the mess in the living room.

 

I don’t know how everyone manages their mental health challenges, but if you have a friend that deals with mental health challenges, especially if she’s a mom with young ones, I think the best thing you can do is be present to that friend. Instead of “Let me know if you need anything”, be proactive and take action to make plans with them. A lot of times, you don’t really need to find the right words to say, being there and keeping good company makes the world of a difference, I know it does for me. It's really the equivalent of just hanging out. When this happens, it doesn’t make solo parenting as anxious.