Love the husband you've got

Friday, March 13, 2009 10:44 AM | Claire (Administrator)

Do you ever see another family and think, oh look at that, “They look like such a nice family, look at how much he helps her with the baby”… then the comparisons begin.

We compare our husbands to others we see at the grocery store, at the parent and tot programs, walking along the sidewalk!  To a first time mom other dads always seem to be more involved… well, things are not always what they seem.   Just last week another mom commented to me that Katelyn, Denys and I are the perfect family.  We always look so great and like we are having so much fun.  The funny thing is I was thinking that she looked so great and her husband must be so happy that she gets herself all dolled up before going out.  I mentioned this to her and we got to talking.  In the end, it was the same story all over again. He (dads who are not at home with the baby) will never get it.   Well the truth is they will not get it. They cannot understand what it is like to get pregnant and give birth so guess what!  They will not get it a 100% and that is OK!!!

As the founder of Life With A Baby, other moms constantly ask me questions about my marriage.  One of the most common is “Do I like my marriage”?  The answer is yes; in fact I love my marriage! Just not all the time J  is my marriage perfect? Absolutely not!   But marriage takes work; a good marriage is very, very hard work.  All relationships take work, the question is not whether or not I like my marriage – the question is “Is my marriage worth all the hard work”.  So far the hard work seems to be adjusting to the new dynamics of our family.  One of the biggest challenges that marriages face is the birth of a first child, the stress of caring for a newborn is overwhelming, add in sleep deprivation for both mom and dad and that is the recipe for a very difficult situation.   There has been a few times when I’ve said” that’s it – it’ too difficult! Maybe I should get a divorce.  Do I want a divorce? Of course not, it’s just my frustration talking and feeling like things are better for the next family.  I had such romantic notions about what parenting would be like and the reality is very far from my fantasies and extremely different from the perfect images of family on TV.  Being a mom is the best feeling in the world.  I love my daughter more than I could ever imagine.  The shock of my life is just how different it was when there was just the two of us.  It takes some time to adjust to life with a baby.  The fact is all first time parents have a difficult time adjusting to parenting.  So when you look at another family it is definitely OK to admire what a great family they are, or how well daddy and baby are playing, but do not go down the comparison road.   You know the saying love the baby you’ve got! Well we all love our babies unconditionally no matter what – so let’s try to love the husbands we’ve got and appreciate him for who he is - the truth is you do not really know what is happening inside the home of another family, so appreciate your husband for the things he is doing and try not to compare him to the perfect image of so and so next door J



  • Tuesday, March 24, 2009 7:24 AM | Marina
    Great confession and really good advice!
    We all should pay closer attention to what we have ;)
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  • Thursday, April 09, 2009 1:53 PM | Martha
    What a candid and courageous thing to write! What you've said is so true and yet many new mothers have difficulty admitting or talking about how our ideal notions of family and what our husbands should be like are shattered to some extent with the arrival of our baby. Thank you so much for writing this. I am sure it will help many moms who are in the exact same pair of shoes!
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