Reason numero four... sleep deprivation will turn a sweet, loving wife into a raging lunatic... yes it's true, I've experienced it many times.

It's 3 o'clock in the morning and you are still awake... worst yet, this is the fourth time that you've been up and it's only three... you can't sleep so what do you  have time to do?  THINK!  I would start thinking about all the things that weren't done today, all the things I have to do tomorrow... then I would start thinking that I would be able to do some of those things if HE would wake up, come downstairs and stay with the baby so that I can get some sleep... but NOOOO he has to WORK tomorrow, like what I'm doing isn't work, right... just because he actually goes to work and brings home a paycheck he thinks thats' work... well, I'll show him, I'll leave him with the baby for a whole day and then he'll see what work really is... 

So how many of you were smiling when you read the above paragraph... it's funny because it's true. We have all had variations of this.  What is the solution?  If, you are completely sleep deprived, drained to the point that you need sleep and need help, go upstairs tell your sweet, loving husband to wake up... take care of the baby so that you can get two hours sleep.  In the grand scheme of things, if your hubby has been sleeping regularly, then the two hours that he looses will be nothing in comparison to the benefit you will get from two hours of sleep.  Sleep deprivation is probably the number one reason we get emotional, irrational and moody, so do whatever you have to do to get it. There have been days when I'm too tired to do the pick up put down method, so I've slept with my daughter, I had to get a weekend nanny to come in so that I could get sleep on the weekend, I had my mother-in-law, friend, sister, other moms from the group over so that I can rest for an hour... Do whatever works for you so that you do not become sleep deprived...

On some of the days where I didn't get sleep the night before, I told myself I wanted a separation, divorce, wanted to move out, change the locks on the doors... did I really want these things, of course not, but when you are tired, haven't gotten the chance to take a shower lasting more than two minutes, up every two hours, you think irrational thoughts and in these instances, I'm sure it's the husbands that are thinking... oh my goodness, what did I get myself into, so when you get a moment, do something nice for your hubby... he's been through a lot too...   It's no one's fault and this too will pass because the baby will start to sleep longer, everyone will fall into a routine and hopefully we have some support and coping strategies for dealing with those sleepless nights.

If you need support for those days... ask.  That is what this group is here for. We are a community of moms who connect and support each other. 

If you are following along... here comes reason #3

Before I had my daughter, I heard other women use the term "men are just big babies" all the time. I didn't pay any attention to it, because I didn't have anything to compare it to... but now, oh yeah. I can definitely say that I agree.  How does this affect our relationships?

Well, the first three months, we are too tired, sleep deprived and annoyed to really pay any attention to it, then we start getting some sleep and actually looking around and comparing our babies and our husbands, at this point it is REALLY annoying... we find ourselves thinking... "he's a grown man and he's acting like at two year old", and really sometimes it's like a two year old throwing a tantrum.  Looking back now, I see that men in generally were always like that, but now we have a REAL baby and we don't want to baby our husbands anymore, we want them to grow up really fast and take care of us... but they have not jumped on to the band wagon as yet. They will, from a combination of us bugging them about it, realizing that we need the help, and us not babying them anymore, but it will take some time and it will not come easily. and really why would they want to give up all they had before just because there is another addition to the family?  one of the struggles moms face is that we resent the fact that they haven't grown up as fast as us (even though we had the nine months to prepare). We used to be babies too, we would baby our hubby, our hubby would baby us... then we ave a baby and grow up but our hubby isn't getting it yet. I'm not a big fan of making excuses for dads, but the fact is, we did get that nine months, it prepared us for motherhood, they don't have that same experience, nor do they have the instant bond and link that we have, so we have to try to be patient with them until they get it.

Around 6 month, when the baby becomes more social and starts interacting, dads generally stop acting like a baby and transition to about a four year old. They still would like for you to do things for them, but if they HAVE to, they do it themselves, BUT... and it's a big but... ONLY IF THEY HAVE TO!  So mommies, your job is to show them that they can do it and they will have to do it and before you know it you may have a husband who is acting like a teenager - even doing the dishes once in a while, at that point I say be happy with that for a year and then start the training again... :-)

Around a year, things just balance out, the pressure of the first year is over, your baby can eat most foods, everyone is getting more sleep, there is less restrictions which translates to less stress for mom, meaning less stress for dad. Everyone knows their role in family. By this time, you may (if you are lucky) have a husband who acts his age. Don't be alarmed if once in a while he acts like a baby again... given the chance he will.

Happy Wednesday Evening fellow mommies,
As promised, the #2 reason why you shouldn't divorce your hubby in the first year of having a baby.

You knew his faults when you married him & you did anyways...

Since you married him anyways knowing his faults, that means that you told yourself, "Hey, these faults aren't too bad, I can live with this", all too often when there is a new baby in the picture, it's hard to figure out and find a balance with change in dynamics of the relationship.  We then look at our friend's husbands, ex boyfriends, friends and tell ourselves that if we were with them instead of our current husband things would be different... but would they really?  Maybe they would be different, but would it be better?  I don't think so!  If you talk to ten women in the first 6 months of motherhood and ask them how things are going? Does your significant other help?  At first, we all say yes, everything is great. My husband is great and very supportive ( of course we'll all say that b/c who wants to tell a total stranger that things are not as great as we thought it would be?)  but once you get to talking and one mom opens up about some challenges, everything chimes in and hey, what do you know... We all seem to be married to the same man... the facial features, height, general appearance may be different, but the behavior, attitude, comments, actions are generally the same.

SO, if they are all the same - which we have already figured out, then why would you think that if you were with someone else things would be different? 
Let's say that you're husband doesn't do the dishes or help with household chores, if he was like this before the baby, you can bet the farm that he'll be like this or even worse in the first year...  but on the other hand he's really good with the gardening & fixing things around the house. So maybe you're thinking of kicking your hubby out and getting together with someone who does the dishes and helps around the house... well guess what, he doesn't fix things, nor does he do the gardening... so now what? do you then start looking for someone who will do both?  NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!!  There are no perfect men out there.  There are people with whom we are compatible, and if you had this before the baby, have patience, invest in counseling, talk, work it through... it will get better and we all go through it. 

On a personal note, there were times when I thought to myself, this sucks, this is not what I signed up for, I thought it would be different, maybe it would be different if... but then I remember that I LOVE my husband, I was crazy about him before the baby, hormones, stress, sleep deprivation and the huge responsibility of taking care of a new baby can make us new moms think and act in crazy ways... I personally thank my husband for putting up with some of my very, very hormonal completely irrational days.  And I thank Masha (one of our members) for reminding me that even though I have expectations that aren't being met, so does my hubby b/c whether we want to admit or not, we have changed too and maybe their expectations are not being met.

I'm not saying that these are our issues only, of course there are things that we would like our husbands to do differently, and I do believe that our husbands need to be more supportive to us during the first year, but we do not know what they are thinking, we can only control and better ourselves. Once we have coping strategies and support in place it's a lot easier to communicate and work through challenges.  There is a great support group for new fathers called Focus On Father's. It's a support group for dads with children 0-18 months.  This is a great way for dads to meet with other new dads and also realize that "hey, my wife is not the only one having difficulty". It can be reassuring to dads to know that other dads are going through similar problems as well.

Just a reminder that these postings are based on relatively happy relationships before the baby arrived and these are just my thoughts on some of the reasons why we shouldn't make any rash decisions in the first year. If you are in an extremely unhappy relationship, it's best to get professional help because the best thing for our babies are happy, mentally healthy parents.

I went to the gym last night and when I got on the elliptical machine Bones was playing on TV, so I thought to myself, why not. I have an hour to go, I normally don’t watch this show, but it was pretty interesting. Everything was fine until it got towards the end of the show.  This episode was about an 8 year old being kidnapped and when they rescued him safely I had to get off the machine and go to the change room to wipe my eyes and wash my face.  Since I had my daughter I’ve noticed that I get misty and sappy at anything that has to do with kids. 

As much as you may think you want to,
don’t get a divorce or kick your partner out in the first year of having a new baby.

Does this sound familiar to you?

You and your significant other decide that you are ready to have a baby.  The pregnancy is great, you discuss how wonderful it will be, you are so excited, your husband says he’ll share the responsibilities and everything will be hunky-dory (just wonderful).

Then the baby arrives and you are absolutely sure that you must have lost your mind to sign up for this. Where is the help that was promised, why did your perfectly sane husband goes crazy and turn into one big baby?

I’ll tell you what happened, when you were making the plans for the baby and how the responsibilities would be shared, you were having two completely different conversations. The words seemed understandable, but the meaning was different to each partner. What we have to remember is that men and women do not speak the same language. I like to use the analogy of English from England and English from Canada. It’s supposed to be the same language but there are many times that I’m talking to my friend in England and something gets lost in translation… it’s the same thing for men & women. 

Let’s take a typical conversation that most first time expectant parents have (I say first time b/c the second time around we already know what we are getting into)

Wife: Okay so we’ll split everything 50/50 and you’ll help with the baby right…?

Husband: yes of course, I want to be there 100%, I will be there to support you and help you anyway that I can.

Sounds simple enough right? Wrong

I’ll now translate, this conversation for what each of these sentences actually mean;

Wife: When the baby arrives, you will do all the basics such as feeding, bathing, diaper change, watching her so that I can sleep (and by watching I mean actually watching, not putting her in the swing while you watch TV, because that’s not really watching, what if when you are watching TV she somehow manages to get herself out of the swing and fall and hurt herself… so I mean really watching her b/c otherwise I won’t feel safe enough to sleep).
 Also, you will cook b/c I will be too tired to do this b/c I’m only getting sleep in two hour increments. You help with the laundry, I will do the baby’s laundry because it has to be done in a special way (wash, rinse, rinse again… and maybe a third time b/c she has sensitive skin).
The doctor says I should take it easy for the first six weeks so I won’t be doing anything around the house, you will have to help with this. You will grocery shop b/c I will be too tired to do this and since you love me so much and you are so excited about the baby, you will have no problem doing any of this b/c all the other husbands do this (we really honestly think this before we start talking to other moms).  You will also wake up in the middle of the night and watch the baby so that I can go back to sleep b/c I have a pump and there is pumped milk in the fridge, you will just have to warm it up and give it to the baby. 

So the simple statement of “You’ll help” actually meant this and more to us and we didn’t think we had to spell it out because EVERY body knows that a new mom needs rest and will need lots of help and besides you love me and you are so excited about the baby, you probably plan all of this and a whole lot more.

Now for the meaning of the husband’s answer;

First of all, he didn’t know you meant any of this stuff, he thought you would understand that he still has to work and you are so lucky you the entire year off and you get paid by the government, so how lucky is that, he still has to go into work every day and do ACTUAL work, while you will be at home with the baby resting and playing all day, so you will have time, to do the groceries, laundry, cook, clean and make yourself pretty in time for him to get home, so he thought he’d just have to watch the baby while you put dinner on the table and then the three of you will have dinner in peace with the angelic little baby looking up at both of you adoringly from her swing, then we would all cuddle for a bit then she’ll be sleeping again b/c everyone knows that babies sleep all day… people are always making comments like “sleeping like a baby”, so once the baby goes back to sleep we would get some rest and good husband that he is, he will put the dishes in the dishwasher and make you a cup of tea and he would have “helped you anyway that he can” and be there 100% and anyways, why would you need him to wake up in the middle of the night, he doesn’t have bubbies  (this is more for moms who are nursing) and he knows if you go down and start nursing the baby, he’ll go back to sleep and everyone can have a good night of rest. 

So you see… two completely different interpretation of what seems like such simple statements. 

So the #1 reason not to kick your husband out is, they are clueless as to the way we think, so we have to spell it out… we have to tell them exactly what we are thinking and what we want them to do… Yes it will always be this way, men just do not understand… and they can’t, b/c they are built differently.

I would love to hear your comments. I will posting the #2 reason in a few days.

Life with a baby... is lifelong learning process

I often have dreams where something happens to my son in daycare, while I'm at work. It's hard to explain the level of paranoia that I am experiencing the second I wake up. My husband and I have selected a wonderful daycare, which has been praised by my two friends, and I have seen their kids happy there. It's just the idea that someone else will be taking care of my child.. and it just doesn't settle in my head yet..

by Tracy Hogg, author of Secrets of the Baby Whisperer for Toddlers

Angel Toddler

The Angel Toddler was "good as gold" when she was a baby. Usually very social, this child is immediately comfortable in groups and can fit into most situations. She often develops language earlier than her peers or at least is clearer when making her needs known. When she wants something she can't have, it's fairly easy to distract her before her emotions escalate. And when she's really out of sorts, it's fairly easy to calm her before she gets to the tantrum stage. At play, she has a lot of staying power at a single task. This is a child who's easy and highly portable. Even when traveling, she can go with the flow and shift gears easily.

Textbook Toddler

As in infancy, the Textbook Toddler is right on time with developmental milestones. You could say she does everything by the book. She's generally pleasant in social situations but can be shy at first with strangers. She's most comfortable in her own environment, but if outings are planned well, and you give her sufficient time and preparation, she won't have much trouble adapting to new surroundings. This is a child who loves routine and likes to know what's coming next.

Touchy Toddler

True to her baby self, the Touchy Toddler is sensitive and typically slow to adapt to new situations. She likes the world ordered and knowable. She hates to be interrupted when engrossed. For instance, if she's deeply involved with a toy or a puzzle and you ask her to stop, she gets upset and is likely to cry. It's this toddler who is often labeled "shy." It's true that a Touchy toddler may not do well in social gatherings, especially if she feels pushed, and she often has difficulty sharing. But if she's left to do things at her own pace, she can mature into a thoughtful, sensitive thinker, a child who weighs situations carefully and likes to ponder problems.

Spirited Toddler

The Spirited Toddler is extremely active physically, often willful, and may be prone to temper tantrums. She is very social and curious and will point to objects and reach out for them and for other kids early on. This child is the consummate adventurer; she will have a go at anything and is very determined. She displays a great sense of achievement when she accomplishes something. At the same time, she needs very clear boundaries so that she doesn't act like a steamroller, trampling anyone or anything in her path. Once they start crying, Spirited Toddlers have stamina and staying power, so you're in for a long haul if you don't have a good routine going. Given good guidance and an outlet for her energy, however, a Spirited Toddler can become a leader and very accomplished in whatever area interests her.

Grumpy Toddler

The Grumpy Toddler is angry, obstinate and needs things to be her way. If you force yourself on her before she's ready to be picked up, expect major squirming action. If you try to show her how to do something, she'll push your hand away. Because she likes her own company best, she's great at independent play. However, she may lack the staying power needed to learn or complete a task and is therefore easily frustrated. When upset, she's prone to crying as if it's the end of the world. Because this toddler often finds it hard to express herself, she also may become a biter or pusher. Grumpy Toddlers have to do things on their own schedule. The pushier you are, the more stubborn they'll be. At the same time, grumpy children are "old souls" -- they tend to be insightful, resourceful and creative, and sometimes even wise, acting as if they've been here before.

I am really tired, but I can't sleep... why?  Well, because I'm a bubble head who had coffee at 10pm.  Every Thursday night is my girls night out and usually I go for dinner or a movie with my friends.  Today however, I had a lot of work to do and didn't get it all done in time for dinner or a movie so I decided to go out with my friend to Second cup. On my way there, I told myself I was going to have herbal tea... but I walked in, looked up at the menu and decided on a medium vanilla bean latte AND chocolate brownie cheesecake - Yikes.  

I got home at 11, took a nice long shower and got into bed... 11:30 I was still not asleep, I started thinking of all the things I didn't get done, things I have to do tomorrow and became even more awake. 12am - I'm still awake so I decide to read a book to calm myself and try to fall asleep - I couldn't concentrate on the book because my mind kept going over the things that didn't get done and tomorrow is Friday, so if  I want to be able to have a calm weekend with Denys and Katelyn I have to do it ALL tomorrow.  I know I will not be able to do it all on Friday (which is actually today - now), so I decided to do some a few things - since I'm awake anyways... so I managed to get most of things that don't require making too much noise done (because the last thing I want to do is wake up Katelyn)

Hopefully now I will be able to go upstairs and get some sleep - and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that Katelyn won't wake up until atleast 7am.

The moral to the story - don't drink coffee at in the evening... 

Why is it that when I'm really, really tired and had an exhausting day that I can't fall asleep?