My name is Jessica and Alexia asked me to share my story b/c quite a few moms have some post partum issues, but are too scared to tell anyone because we don't want to be judged.
I have a daughter who was born in July 2007 and my life has never been the same. In the first month I wanted to scream all the time, how could this happen to me, I have a great husband, a new baby, a house, bla bla all the things that I thought would make me happy, but then I had a baby and everything just changed. I became sad, there was no hope. I was living in a sad, desolute place.
First month - Complete Hopelessness
There were times when I thought I was going to drive off a bridge, the baby cried all the time, I always smelled like baby puke... I hated my life
Second Month - The month of Questions
When is it going to get easier, isn't it supposed to be easier, when am I going to get happy? Can someone please take her, I don't want her anymore, Why did I do this? What is someone takes her and give her back to me in a couple months? Where is all the support I was supposed to have? What happened to my husband? Why is he such a jerk? Why is he drinking all the time? Why won't my mother-in-law go away? Why are all the other moms so happy?
Third Month - I am a failure
Here I have a perfectly healthy, innocent baby and I cannot love her, I cannot stop crying, I am a failure, all the other moms are better moms, I am not a good mom. Everyone would be better off if I wasn't around.
Fourth Month - Okay I got four hours of sleep
All I really remember about this month is that I got FOUR hours of sleep. This was a good day, I have hope, maybe things will get better, maybe she will decide that she will start sleeping longer. What did I do different, okay I have to keep doing that? I see a light at the end of the tunnel
Fifth Month - Oh Crap! She is waking up again
Did you know that they use sleep deprivation as torture? This is torture!!! why did she wake up three times last night? What did I do differently, at this point I started keeping a food diary & schedule to see if there is any pattern depending on the amount of food she has - and I realize there is NO pattern, this sucks!!! what am I supposed to do? I need sleep... at this point I start swearing a lot. I start getting pissed off at everyone who told me - "oh it's the best experience ever, you will have so much fun" LIARS! I hate you all for lying to me.
Sixth Month - I met Alexia
Don't worry she said, it happens to the best of us, maybe not in the same extent, but lack of sleep will do that to you. Why don't you go to the Transition to Parenting class, it will help you. So I did and I met lots of moms who are in the same situation. We are not bad moms, we are just having a rough time, it will get better. Just knowing that there were other people out there who weren't SUPER MOM and I wasn't the only one made a hugh difference for me.
Seventh Month - I LOVE my baby
Oh wow, I love my baby, I feel better. I have mostly good days now, I still have bad days, but I decided to take some medication. Depression is an illness and someone told me that that if someone had diabetes they would take insulin, so the same happens with Depression, it needs to be treated. I finally got treatment and my life has turned around. I still have bad days, days that I cry, but they are happening less and less.
Eight Months to Now - Its one day at a time
Some days are good, some days are not so good, there seems to be always something, teething, growth spurt, tummy upset, fever, cold... this is life now. This is motherhood and I really do enjoy it. I would be happy to get some sleep, she still only sleeps five hours max. But I am coping and considering how far I came, I am happy with where I am now.
I hope that by sharing I was able to reach out to someone.